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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25304323">part of me wants you (but most of me needs you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysayes/pseuds/alwaysayes'>alwaysayes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:21:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25304323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysayes/pseuds/alwaysayes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i> and if you need me i’ll be right here, in the henrietta dust / and you can lay down in the grass with me until our bones get old and rust / and all that will be left of us when they find our bodies / is the love we gave the world </i> </p><p><b> BREAKING NEWS (TMZ):</b> Singer/songwriter Adam Parrish seen in public for the first time since the very public fight with his (now EX!) boyfriend, actor and director Ronan Lynch.... Could this be the start of a new era for Parrish? <i>(tmz.com)</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>127</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>part of me wants you (but most of me needs you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title from steamroller by phoebe bridgers.,, also this is the first thing i've completed since january 2019 and uhhhh yeah i listened to are you okay by winnetka bowling league for like 3/4 of writing this. also i started this in march 2019 and i never finished it so if there's anything plot continuity errors sorry but also im not and also i will NEVER stop writing celebrity AUs because i'm still hung up on summer 2005 warped tour &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>BREAKING NEWS (TMZ)</b>
  <span>: Singer/songwriter Adam Parrish seen in public for the first time since the very public fight with his (now EX!) boyfriend, the actor and director Ronan Lynch.... Could this be the start of a new era for Parrish? (</span>
  <em>
    <span>tmz.com</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you see this?” Adam asked, sliding his phone to Blue across the marble countertop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Blue said. She bit her lip. “Who showed you that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My manager.” Adam said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a moment of silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t actually disappear. And it was only six months.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You moved to rural Georgia without leaving anything except a rent check. Gansey was worried </span>
  <em>
    <span>sick </span>
  </em>
  <span>about you. Even Henry was worried about you and </span>
  <em>
    <span>not to mention</span>
  </em>
  <span>-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Blue.” Adam said. He ran an anxious hand through his hair. “Please don’t stress me out more than I already am. My album is coming out in,” he checked his watch, “Seven hours, and nobody </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows </span>
  </em>
  <span>except for a few people and whoever management invited to this stupid album release party.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then tell people. What are you even worried about? Sales are going to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what I’m worried about.” He paused. “When the stations start playing my songs-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t even listen to the radio. I’m half-convinced he doesn’t even listen to music.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He listened to mine, before.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Adam, it’s been six months.” Blue looked at him, boring into him. “Of course you’re still upset. You guys had been together for- three? Years? Right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Three years, five months. Yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus, okay. Just… you need to calm down. Drop a few tweets about your album, if PR is okay with it, and then go play your record release show, and then come home, cry with me- I’ll have Gans pick up some ice cream, and everything will be okay. If he hears the album, he hears the album.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. Okay.” Adam sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything will be okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <b>A.P. </b>
  <span>@adamparrish: Hi. </span>
</p><p><em><span>2,894 likes</span></em> <em><span>732 retweets</span></em></p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam sat at the bar, surrounded by the buzz and lights of the New York music scene, but couldn’t help but feel as if something was missing. Something with black, buzzed hair, something with gentle hands and a bloody smile. He sighed, and took a drink of his whiskey on the rocks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, old sport.” He heard a voice behind him say. It was unmistakably Henry Cheng. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Henry.” He said halfheartedly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was Georgia?” Henry asked, sitting down on the stool next to Adam.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Blue tell you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gansey.” Henry replied. He grimaced a little bit, before speaking again:</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Have you talked to-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” Adam said. “And I don’t really intend to. If he wanted to talk to me, I’d talk to him. But he hasn’t reached out at all. Not since I left.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re so emotionally constipated.” Henry said, reaching down by Adam and drinking the remainder of Adam’s whiskey on the rocks, before saying, finally,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t drink away the feeling, Adam,” and walking away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam almost heard Ronan’s voice echoing the phrase in his mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ordered a water, sitting silently at the bar until it was time for him to go up on the stage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, uh,” He said, sitting onstage with his guitar. “This is a song about something I don’t really want to think about. I’ve never really been good at using words to say how I feel, especially in conversation, so I hope that this can… get across what I’m trying to say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he dove into the song, headfirst, losing himself in the plucking patterns of the string and the complex melody, drowning out every thought he had with the feeling of his fingers on steel and the warmth of his breath on the microphone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He continued into his set, focusing more on the feeling of soft adrenaline than the fear that he had felt before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, guys. That’s all. My album drops at midnight tonight, and that was just a sampler of some of the songs I worked my ass off to write. Thank you so much for coming.” He said, before walking offstage amidst the cheers and buzz of the small bar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blue caught him as soon as he was offstage, wrapping him in a tight hug. It felt like Fox Way. It felt like patchouli and yoghurt, and tea and cherry pie, and everything he had initially tried so hard to escape. It felt like narrow snake eyes and the buzzing of hornets and a red Mustang in the woods. It felt like home, and it felt like </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you.” Adam said, not thinking about Blue at all, but thinking about caves full of bones and boys who speed in their fathers’ cars.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too, Adam.” Blue said. It was an aching phrase, but it was true; not only had Adam left Ronan when he went away, he had left his entire family that he had found: Blue. Gansey. Noah. Henry. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ronan</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blue dug her chin into Adam’s shoulder in the hug. She was comforting, filling gaps that Adam hadn’t realized had opened. She was family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad I’m home too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had been a long time since Adam had felt that kind of camaraderie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the six months since he had left New York, he had felt more alone than he ever had. Georgia was lonely, and though the summer heat should have kept him warm, he was chilled to the bone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m ready to go back home.” Adam said into the hug. He was sick of the smell of beer and he was tired of being around people, and all he wanted was to go back to his apartment and watch bad movies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then let’s go,” Blue said. “It’s not like they can keep you here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam let go. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I have stuff to do, though.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It’s not that deep, Adam. Let’s just go. Gansey got ice cream, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Prada to Nada </span>
  </em>
  <span>is sitting on the DVD player already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s so tempting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then </span>
  <em>
    <span>go</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Blue insisted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t.” Adam said. Blue looked him over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re always so stubborn. Give me a second and I’ll get both of us out of here. You played your set, took your pictures. What more can you possibly have to do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” Adam said. He took a deep breath. “Let me just make a call.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gansey can be here in ten minutes if he drives like a normal person, so you have time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be out back.” Adam said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to come with you?” Blue asked. She could feel the tension in Adam’s voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’ll be fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Adam, it’s not a problem-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just let me do this, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam turned around and walked towards the back of bar, fidgeting with his phone in his pocket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bar fed out into a back alley, small and generic, with strings of lights illuminating the dirty bricks. Adam took a deep breath in. The night smelled like cold and secondhand smoke. It was the opposite of the air in Georgia, and it almost reminded him of the high school nights he spent at Nino’s, sitting next to Ronan. It was disgusting and fresh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The smell filled his nose, and he laid his head back on the brick wall. He took his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number he hadn’t thought about in so long, yet still knew by heart. It went straight to voicemail. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey, you’ve reached Ronan. Fuck off after the beep</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam sighed and hung up the phone. He didn’t expect anything different, but he still felt the disappointment seep into his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ronan didn’t owe Adam anything. He made that clear. They both did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dialed again anyways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey, you’ve reached Ronan. Fuck off after the beep</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” Adam said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was getting cold out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went back inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blue was waiting for him by the door, holding his jacket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You forgot this.” She said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gansey’s actually here already. Apparently something came up, so-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perfect. It’s been too loud in here since my good ear started ringing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blue started walking through the bar and Adam waved goodbye to people as they walked past, the most out-of-his-shell he had been in months. They made it to the door and Blue turned to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Adam, I really do have to warn you-” Blue started, turning to Adam.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever it is, it can’t be worse than all of this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam opened the door, looking for the telltale orange of the Pig, only to be met with the deep, graphite gray of a stolen BMW. It looked the same as it did six months before, and Adam averted his eyes to keep himself from trying to find a difference. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gansey was sitting in the driver’s seat, and there was no music playing. Why was there no music playing? Blue got in the car. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam opened the door and closed his eyes as he buckled. What he would have given to be drunk in that moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The car still smelled the same, like a mix of soil and Ronan’s cologne, and the lingering smell of the laundry detergent that they used to use. It was almost like coming home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ronan sat curled up in the leather seat, with his knees pulled up to this chest and his stormy eyes cast downward. He was gnawing on his leather wristbands, like he always was. He was quiet, like he never was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, Adam,” Gansey started. “How was-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Georgia was fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I bet it was nothing like Henrietta. Or </span>
  <em>
    <span>Guam</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Guam was so beautiful, Adam, you should have been there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blue put her hand on Gansey’s arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can talk to him about Guam later,” She said quietly. “Let’s just go home for now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gansey nodded and switched on the radio. Adam stayed quiet. Ronan stayed quiet. Gansey continued to fill the car with mindless chatter about this-or-that and God-knows-what. Adam rolled the window down to keep from suffocating. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>Blue, you should have told me.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue Sargent</b>
  <span>: i tried to, if that counts for anything</span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>Why is he here? </span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>Why are we in his car?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>i don’t know if i can tell you</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>it involves a bottle and a rooftop </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>and ronan</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>and the pig being in the shop</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>sorry i couldn’t give you more of a warning</span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>It’s okay, I guess. I don’t know. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>you two should talk about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>i know you don’t want you but you need to</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>you can’t just leave for six months and pretend like it’s all okay when it obviously isn’t. i can feel the tension from my seat</span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>I don’t really think that there’s anything to talk about. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>and we both know that’s a lie. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>I’ll talk to him when he’s ready to hear what I have to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>you mean when you’re ready to tell him?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>I’ve been ready.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Blue: </b>
  <span>yeah, the whole album really shows that, doesn’t it?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>Shut up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blue looked back at Adam. The car was still near-silent as they drove down the late-night congested New York streets, the smoggy air filling the car the same way the tension filled the backseat. The drive was only ten minutes, but it could have been forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they finally got to Adam’s apartment, Gansey turned to the backseat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You and Blue go on in,” he said. “I have to take Ronan home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure? It’s not a problem if he-” Adam turned to Ronan. “It’s not a problem if you stay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to pity me now.” Ronan said. His voice was cold, but it was the first time Adam had heard his voice in months. and it set his heart on fire. He sounded low and croaky, like he used to on the mornings they would wake up next to each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not pitying you. I’ve never pitied you. Stay if you want to, but-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not gonna just </span>
  <em>
    <span>leave</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Ronan said back. It was bitter and tinged with resentment. Adam’s stomach began to hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What Adam wanted to say back was:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I didn’t leave you. You left before I ever did. I would never leave.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What Adam said back was:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Whatever. Fuck you, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat on opposite sides of Adam’s living room that night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <b>A.P. </b>
  <span>@adamparrish: Go stream “Virginia Is For Lovers”  now. Out on all platforms. </span>
</p><p><em><span>7,941 likes</span></em> <em><span>2,572 retweets</span></em></p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam forgot how great the water pressure in his apartment was. It was so much better than the shower in the extended-stay he had been living in in Georgia; the water washed everything clean. The leftover Henrietta dirt, the heartbreak, the yearning, all washed down the drain in a morbid circle. It burned his skin, but it felt so good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had also forgotten how lonely an empty house felt. The sound of the water echoed throughout the empty apartment, ricocheting off of the undecorated walls and leaving emptier spaces where emptiness had already lived.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had an interview to get to in three hours, and he already dreaded it. Interviews were pointless ways to get press that he didn’t even want. Or need. He hated the endless slew of questions and the way he never knew what to say. He turned off the shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked in the steam-covered mirror for a moment. Had he always looked his way? There were lines on his forehead he didn’t remember seeing before. Dark circles that weren’t there before. He blinked and walked out of the bathroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>and if you need me i’ll be right here, in the henrietta dust / and you can lay down in the grass with me until our bones get old and rust / and all that will be left of us when they find our bodies / is the love we gave the world </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, Adam, you’re back in town! Is it just for your album, or is there someone keeping you here again?” the interviewer asked. She had a shrill, unbearable voice, and Adam was two steps away from clawing his own eyes out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just here in town, getting back on my feet for a bit. There’s nobody </span>
  <em>
    <span>keeping </span>
  </em>
  <span>me here, there was never anybody </span>
  <em>
    <span>keeping </span>
  </em>
  <span>me. I was just here, and so was he, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So talk to me about your new album. It’s a love letter to where you’re from, yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam paused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a very difficult relationship with where I’m from. I grew up in a non-ideal situation-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So it’s about that?” the interviewer cut in. Adam tried not to roll his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not about that at all, actually. It’s more complicated than that. It’s mostly about that epic kind of love when you think you’ve found the one.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn</span>
  </em>
  <span>’</span>
  <em>
    <span>t </span>
  </em>
  <span>find the one, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I ever will. But, uh, not everyone finds someone. And I want the takeway from this album to be that loneliness isn’t always crippling. Loneliness is sometimes more comforting than the people around you. I learned a lot in Georgia.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me more about that, what do you mean, about loneliness?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I kind of found comfort in the way the sound bounced off the walls there. It was something about the quietness of Georgia versus the bustle of living in any big city. It was almost like re-experiencing growing up.  I kind of want everyone to be able to listen to my music and feel the kind of rosy retrospection of youth that I felt when I was writing it. I know I’m not that old, but I also didn’t have the greatest childhood. I think Georgia kind of let me reinvent myself, and reinvent what I wanted my childhood and my first grand love to be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I think that’s all we have time for today. Adam Parrish, everybody!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for having me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Gansey: </b>
  <span>I told you it wouldn’t be terrible.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Adam Parrish: </b>
  <span>You lied. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Adam Parrish: </b>
  <span>That was the worst thing I have ever experienced. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Gansey: </b>
  <span>Don’t be dramatic. You’ve definitely experienced worse. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Adam Parrish: </b>
  <span>Yeah. Whatever, I guess.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>are u fking serious</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>not the one???????????</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>his album isnt even fking good he cant say shit ab me </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>ganz are u purposely ignoring me lmfao</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>ganz</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>ganzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>ill fk off and stop bugging u but just know im pisst</span>
</p><p>
  <b>dick: </b>
  <span>You have a very poor grasp on text abbreviations. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>dick: </b>
  <span>Love you, Ronan. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>dick: </b>
  <span>I’m driving. At a red light. See you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Across town, Ronan Lynch lay on a couch with headphones in. It was a private Spotify session type of day, an empty day, or moreso an empty bottle type day. Something about the day had wrecked him, ripped him and exposed him like an open wound. Maybe it was Adam’s lyrics or his interview, or maybe it was just everything about him, but Ronan lay there on his couch, emotionally emaciated with lacerations on his heart.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He listened to the slow drawl of Adam’s voice with the low bass of the guitar, taking everything in. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>i always said I wanted to leave, but never you, never you/and you always said you wanted to die but never why, never why/ and we would watch the sun rise up in the virginia sky/like birds of a feather/ lighter than the air/with nothing on our minds </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It hurt. It more more than anything- to hear the words Adam was singing, and wondering if the thing he wanted to leave had been him all along. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>so</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>did you want to leave henrietta</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>or did you want to leave me</span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>It was never about you. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam:</b>
  <span> It was about everything. Kind of.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>I don’t know how to explain it. </span>
</p><p><b>adam:</b> <span>I just needed to get away.  I needed out of the city.</span></p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>you could have taken me with you</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>i was there then</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Ronan Lynch: </b>
  <span>ive always been there and ill always be there</span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>I know. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>I’ll always be there for you.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>adam: </b>
  <span>This is not a very good conversation to have over text.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>ronan:</b>
  <span> then come over</span>
</p><p>
  <b>ronan: </b>
  <span>we can talk about it now we just need to talk about it</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Adam: </b>
  <span>Okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Adam: </b>
  <span>I can be over in ten minutes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam stood outside Ronan’s door, and rain poured down. It was a rom-com cliche for an almost-romantic moment. He raised his fist to knock as Ronan opened the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi.” Ronan said. His eyes were glazed over with a dark sadness, almost like it had been brewing behind his eyelids for years, and maybe it had. It was a deep seated emotion, something Ronan tried his best to not express. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” Adam said. He took a deep look at Ronan, examining all of the things that had changed since he left. Obviously he had seen him since his return, but it hadn’t fully sunk in how much he had changed. His hair, which was shaggy before Adam had left, had grown into loose inky curls that Adam wanted nothing more than to sink his fingers into. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your hair grew.” He said, and Ronan just stared at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you coming inside?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I guess.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam stepped inside the apartment, and was instantly overcome with the smell of Ronan. There was a candle burning on the table, and another candle on top of the bookshelf. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat down on the couch.  Ronan stayed standing, hovering next to the coffee table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re getting the couch wet.” He said, as if he cared. “Do you want anything to drink?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um.” Adam said. “Could I get a Co-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A Coca-Cola. I got it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Adam said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat there in the near-silence of the living room, his only companion the sound of the fridge door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So,” Ronan said, returning with their drinks. “How have you been?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been pretty well, I guess. I’ve been better though.” Adam popped the tab of his can.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I get that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to beat around the bush with this, Ronan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you want </span>
  <em>
    <span>me </span>
  </em>
  <span>to do, Adam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t really either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat for a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t really know why I left.” Adam said finally. “I think I was sick of all the lights and the buzz and the constant reminder that I was just. Different from everyone else here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just as different as you. I pull shit out of my dreams. I found my father dead. I dreamt my brother.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not different in the same way as me, Ronan.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>different</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I understand what it’s like-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ronan went silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to leave you.” Adam said finally. “You said that </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>wanted space. And I gave you that space.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Space didn’t mean move all the way to Georgia and ignore all my calls. Space meant I wanted to hear your voice without feeling the obligation of forcing you to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>stuck </span>
  </em>
  <span>somewhere. I wanted to see your face still.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adam was quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to talk about this. I changed my mind.” Ronan decided. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ronan, I never stopped loving you. Not a single day while I was away. Not today, or yesterday, or the day before that, or even the day before that. I have never hated you. I never wanted to leave you behind. I just didn’t know what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck </span>
  </em>
  <span>to do, and I was suffocating in this stupid city. Every time I see a silver BMW, I hope it’s you. Every time I see a blue flower, I think about the time we woke up covered in flowers and there was nothing we could do to get rid of them because you were so happy that every time you closed your eyes more flowers bloomed from your hands. I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>never </span>
  </em>
  <span>stopped loving you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you.” Ronan said. “Every day while you were away.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too.” Adam said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, they were close together. Adam could feel Ronan’s heartbeat. Ronan could feel Adam’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then they kissed, and it was ley lines and rocket ships and Coca-Cola and blue flowers and the Shitbox and Aglionby and Cabeswater and Mustangs and everything from the day they met up until the moment they were living in. It was Adam’s non-hearing ear and his old trailer and it was Ronan’s smile shining across at him from the driver’s seat, all shark-tooth sharp and closed off. It was guitar string-calloused fingers and ink-black curls and candles. It was everything, and nothing, all at once, and it was the only thing the both of them had ached for in the last six months. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <b>ronan lynch isnt dead </b>
  <span>@ronanlynch: you make me feel like blue flowers, now and forever</span>
</p><p><em><span>12,342  likes</span></em> <em><span>9,621 retweets</span></em></p><p><br/>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>follow me on tumblr @ czerny182 !!! and twitter consumemywine!!! :D</p></blockquote></div></div>
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